A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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