the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
They are going to name an STD after you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
