so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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