I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
