Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
