Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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