no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
