i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
