dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
