Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
