Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
