I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
