Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My liver just had a heart attack.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
