my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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