Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
