Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
