At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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