He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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