mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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