got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
