i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
