you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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