I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
