remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
