for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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