you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
