He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
