Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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