2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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