I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
