He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
