Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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