I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
