No stitches, just platelets and will power
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
