not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
