census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
