so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You are the jesus of drinking
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
