Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
