im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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