also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
