then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
