I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
