i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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