I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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