the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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