So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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