Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
