the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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