New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
