I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
