the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
