Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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