I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
