I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I will die if light touches me.
Can Purell be used as lube?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
